Although I've been feeling depressed today, I realize it's because my life has become too outward and not enough inward. I haven't been meditating or praying hardly at all because I have been so preoccupied with making art, or trying to make it. However, that isn't enough to make me happy. I need daily contact with God and my spiritual nature. Creativeness and the spiritual nature are closely linked, but they aren't quite the same. Art can become a substitute for religion, but I don't think it's adequate, which is why many artists go bonkers (i.e., Van Gogh), and why I've been feeling very depressed. My two-bit analysis of Van Gogh is that he was a very religious man, but felt rejected by organized religion, so I think he substituted art for religion, but that doesn't work. Finding something one loves to do, like painting, gives one some satisfaction, but not real happiness. Being obsessed with art doesn't keep one from drinking. I've always felt a very close kinship with Van Gogh.
This evening I walked to my local park and opened the book "The Prayers of Peter Marshall" and immediately read this prayer that I copied below. The part of this prayer that really hit home with me is the line about giving love to those who can't recompense you. I think that's the hardest thing in life to do, and I've failed at it most of my life. I've always dismissed people who can't give me anything back, or can ever have anything to offer me, even elementary kindness, after I feel that I've given to them. In looking back on my life, I feel most grateful for the people, who when I was very young and empty inside with nothing to offer, helped me anyway. Now in my senior years, I remember those people the most of anyone.
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| The Reverend Peter Marshall, Chaplin to the US Congress |
